TL;DR: How to Stop People Pleasing and Prioritize Your Well-being
People pleasing is sacrificing your own needs to make others happy, often leading to stress, anxiety, and burnout.
• It stems from fear of rejection, lack of boundaries, or cultural expectations.
• Signs include difficulty saying no, over-apologizing, and constantly seeking approval.
• Break the cycle by setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and aligning actions with personal values.
Reclaim emotional health and stronger relationships by respecting your own needs. Hungry for guilt-free dining in Malta? Discover healthy, personalized restaurant options with MELA AI.
Are you constantly agreeing to things you don’t want to do? Do you feel uneasy when someone seems upset with you, even if it’s not your fault? These behaviors could indicate that you’re a people pleaser, someone who prioritizes others’ needs at the expense of their own well-being. And while being considerate is undoubtedly important, sacrificing your mental and emotional health isn’t.
In this exploration of people-pleasing, we’ll reveal how to identify it, the habits that fuel it, and, most importantly, how to break free of it. With expert insights and science-backed strategies, let’s look at how you can balance kindness with self-respect.
What Is People Pleasing and Why Is It a Problem?
At its core, people pleasing is a behavioral pattern where you overprioritize meeting others’ expectations. You might consistently agree with people to avoid conflict, say ‘yes’ to requests you’re uncomfortable with, or suppress your own needs to make others happy. Research from Psychology Today links it to a lack of boundaries, fear of rejection, and a deep need for external validation.
On the surface, people pleasers appear kind, generous, and self-sacrificing. But underneath, they’re often stressed, drained, and overwhelmed. The constant effort to satisfy others takes a toll on both mental and physical health, leading to anxiety, insomnia, and burnout.
How Can You Tell If You’re a People Pleaser?
Here’s a key question to ask yourself: “Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or because I feel I have to?” If you’re unsure, consider some common habits of people pleasers:
- Trouble Saying No: You agree to things out of guilt rather than genuine willingness.
- Fear of Disapproval: Criticism, even minor, feels overwhelming and personal.
- Over-Apologizing: Apologies come naturally, even when you’re not at fault.
- Constant Approval-Seeking: You crave reassurance to affirm your decisions or worth.
- Difficulty Voicing Opinions: You often hold back your thoughts to avoid arguments.
Reflecting on your intentions in daily interactions can highlight how deeply ingrained your people-pleasing tendencies are.
Why Do Some People Become People Pleasers?
People pleasing doesn’t just ‘happen’, it’s shaped by personal history, environments, and upbringing. Often, trauma or rejection in childhood plays a key role. For example, growing up in a household that valued compliance over self-expression may condition you to suppress your opinions to avoid conflict.
Environmental factors also influence people pleasing. Cultures that emphasize collective harmony sometimes instill the belief that it’s virtuous to put others before yourself. However, these actions can easily morph into toxic patterns when they entirely suppress individual needs. Understanding the “why” behind this behavior is crucial to reshaping it.
How Does People Pleasing Impact Your Health?
Engaging in chronic self-sacrifice doesn’t come without consequences. Studies show that suppressing your own preferences to accommodate others can lead to chronic stress. Over time, this increases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, causing a ripple effect on overall health.
Some common health challenges tied to people pleasing include:
- Reduced Mental Well-being: Constantly repressing emotions creates anxiety and even depression.
- Physical Strain: Stress accumulates in the body, showing up as headaches, digestive problems, or muscle tension.
- Resentment Build-Up: Over time, suppressing your needs fosters frustration toward those around you, damaging relationships.
Balancing your needs and others’ expectations is vital for longevity and emotional stability.
Practical Ways to Stop People Pleasing
Breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies doesn’t mean becoming selfish or uncaring. Instead, it means valuing your own needs as much as you value others’. Here are actionable tips to reclaim your time and energy:
1. Learn to Say No (Without Guilt)
Practice polite but firm ways of setting boundaries. Instead of immediately agreeing, you can say, “I’d love to help, but I need to check my schedule first.” You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
2. Identify Your Values
Understanding what truly matters to you can guide your actions. When a request doesn’t align with your core values, remind yourself that it’s okay to say no.
3. Reframe Your Thinking
Instead of worrying about whether others like you, prioritize being fair and authentic. Remember, true respect doesn’t rely on constant agreement.
4. Set Small Boundaries
Start with low-stakes situations. For example, if someone interrupts you in a conversation, kindly assert yourself with, “Please let me finish my thought.” Over time, this builds confidence.
5. Practice Self-Care
Focusing on your mental and physical well-being replenishes energy. Try setting “non-negotiable” self-care habits, such as weekend downtime or midday meditation.
Expert Perspectives on People Pleasing
According to Ilene Strauss Cohen, author of When It’s Never About You: The People Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness, and Personal Freedom, reclaiming your emotional independence requires consistent, deliberate action. She recommends small but significant steps toward prioritizing yourself, like experimenting with saying “no” in a way that feels authentic.
Therapists also suggest that professional help can uncover deeper roots of people-pleasing behavior. If it stems from trauma or ingrained family dynamics, working through these issues with a counselor leads to lasting change.
Fostering Healthier Relationships Through Boundaries
Setting boundaries doesn’t diminish friendships, it strengthens them. Relationships thrive on mutual respect and honesty. By being upfront about your limits, you inspire others to do the same, creating healthier connections.
When dining out with friends in Malta, for instance, don’t hesitate to speak up about your health and dietary needs. Platforms like MELA AI can help you find accommodating restaurants where nutritional flexibility is celebrated. With tools that centralize healthy, customized dining, enjoying your next meal can be guilt-free and mutually satisfying.
A Final Word on Self-Empowerment
Breaking free from people pleasing is a journey of self-awareness and growth. By centering your mental well-being, prioritizing your true values, and bravely setting boundaries, you can transition from self-sacrifice to self-respect.
Curious about finding restaurants that support personalized health goals or dishes that suit dietary preferences around Malta? Start your exploration on MELA AI today!
Frequently Asked Questions on People Pleasing and How to Stop It
What is people pleasing, and how does it impact well-being?
People pleasing refers to the tendency to prioritize others’ needs, desires, and opinions over your own, often out of fear of rejection or a need for approval. Seemingly kind and generous, this behavior can lead to emotional distress, chronic stress, and physical exhaustion. People pleasers often feel overburdened after saying ‘yes’ too often while suppressing their own needs. Research from Psychology Today emphasizes the dangers of poor boundaries and links people pleasing tendencies to anxiety, resentment, and burnout. Breaking free involves learning to set boundaries, saying ‘no’ confidently, and practicing self-care.
How can I recognize if I’m a people pleaser?
Some common signs that you may be a people pleaser include: difficulty saying no, over-apologizing, and fearing disapproval or criticism. You might often feel obligated to agree without genuinely wanting to, crave approval from others, or avoid expressing your opinions for fear of conflict. If this resonates with you, asking yourself, “Do I want to do this, or do I feel I have to?” during daily interactions is a helpful exercise to identify these tendencies.
What causes people pleasing behavior?
People pleasing is generally shaped by upbringing, environment, or even trauma. For example, growing up in a household that emphasized compliance or punished disagreement may instill a habit to avoid confrontation. Similarly, cultural values that emphasize harmony, or personal fears of rejection, can further reinforce this behavior. Addressing these root causes often requires introspection or therapy to unlearn unhealthy behavioral patterns.
How can I break free from people pleasing tendencies?
Breaking free involves actionable steps like learning to set firm boundaries, understanding your personal values, and reframing negative thoughts about disapproval. Techniques include practicing confident no’s, like saying, “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the capacity right now,” and prioritizing self-care routines. Therapy and books like When It’s Never About You by Ilene Strauss Cohen also provide valuable guidance.
How does chronic people pleasing affect mental and physical health?
Constantly meeting others’ needs while neglecting your own can cause stress levels to rise, increasing cortisol, the stress hormone, over time. This may lead to sleep disturbances (insomnia), depression, or even physical issues like headaches and muscle tension. Chronic stress and suppressed frustration also risk long-term resentment, which can negatively impact relationships and emotional well-being.
Are there tools in Malta to support healthier boundaries in eating out?
Yes! Platforms like MELA AI – Malta Restaurants Directory specialize in promoting dining experiences that align with health-conscious values. By listing restaurants that prioritize nutritional flexibility and transparency, diners can confidently assert their preferences without guilt, helping curb stress linked to people-pleasing. Whether you have dietary restrictions or preferences, MELA AI connects you with eateries committed to respectful and personalized services.
How does setting boundaries strengthen relationships?
Setting boundaries allows for honest and mutual respect in relationships. Far from being selfish, boundaries communicate your expectations and limitations, nurturing trust and understanding. For example, clearly voicing your needs shows others how to respect your space and decision-making, which ultimately leads to healthier connections.
Can professional help assist in overcoming people pleasing?
Yes, professional therapy can be instrumental in identifying and addressing the root causes of people pleasing behavior. Therapists can guide you in building confidence, practicing boundary-setting, and developing healthy self-esteem. For immediate tools, Psychology Today also offers quizzes and articles to highlight traits and provide actionable insights.
How does people pleasing affect dining experiences in Malta?
Dining out as a chronic people pleaser might lead to agreeing to meals or restaurants that don’t suit your preferences, resulting in unnecessary stress or resentment. Discovering health-conscious options through platforms like MELA AI ensures you find restaurants that respect your dietary needs. By centralizing menus with nutritional flexibility, you can comfortably dine at establishments that prioritize respect alongside taste, a win for balance and well-being. Explore MELA AI to make dining decisions guilt-free.
Are there resources to help Maltese restaurants adapt health trends?
Absolutely! MELA AI supports restaurants in Malta and Gozo in growing their brand by adopting health-conscious dining practices. Awarded with the prestigious MELA sticker, restaurants not only attract mindful diners but also enhance market visibility. For information on branding packages, trends, and recognition opportunities, visit MELA AI and elevate your restaurant to a respected dining destination.
About the Author
Violetta Bonenkamp, also known as MeanCEO, is an experienced startup founder with an impressive educational background including an MBA and four other higher education degrees. She has over 20 years of work experience across multiple countries, including 5 years as a solopreneur and serial entrepreneur. Throughout her startup experience she has applied for multiple startup grants at the EU level, in the Netherlands and Malta, and her startups received quite a few of those. She’s been living, studying and working in many countries around the globe and her extensive multicultural experience has influenced her immensely.
Violetta Bonenkamp’s expertise in CAD sector, IP protection and blockchain
Violetta Bonenkamp is recognized as a multidisciplinary expert with significant achievements in the CAD sector, intellectual property (IP) protection, and blockchain technology.
CAD Sector:
- Violetta is the CEO and co-founder of CADChain, a deep tech startup focused on developing IP management software specifically for CAD (Computer-Aided Design) data. CADChain addresses the lack of industry standards for CAD data protection and sharing, using innovative technology to secure and manage design data.
- She has led the company since its inception in 2018, overseeing R&D, PR, and business development, and driving the creation of products for platforms such as Autodesk Inventor, Blender, and SolidWorks.
- Her leadership has been instrumental in scaling CADChain from a small team to a significant player in the deeptech space, with a diverse, international team.
IP Protection:
- Violetta has built deep expertise in intellectual property, combining academic training with practical startup experience. She has taken specialized courses in IP from institutions like WIPO and the EU IPO.
- She is known for sharing actionable strategies for startup IP protection, leveraging both legal and technological approaches, and has published guides and content on this topic for the entrepreneurial community.
- Her work at CADChain directly addresses the need for robust IP protection in the engineering and design industries, integrating cybersecurity and compliance measures to safeguard digital assets.
Blockchain:
- Violetta’s entry into the blockchain sector began with the founding of CADChain, which uses blockchain as a core technology for securing and managing CAD data.
- She holds several certifications in blockchain and has participated in major hackathons and policy forums, such as the OECD Global Blockchain Policy Forum.
- Her expertise extends to applying blockchain for IP management, ensuring data integrity, traceability, and secure sharing in the CAD industry.
Violetta is a true multiple specialist who has built expertise in Linguistics, Education, Business Management, Blockchain, Entrepreneurship, Intellectual Property, Game Design, AI, SEO, Digital Marketing, cyber security and zero code automations. Her extensive educational journey includes a Master of Arts in Linguistics and Education, an Advanced Master in Linguistics from Belgium (2006-2007), an MBA from Blekinge Institute of Technology in Sweden (2006-2008), and an Erasmus Mundus joint program European Master of Higher Education from universities in Norway, Finland, and Portugal (2009).
She is the founder of Fe/male Switch, a startup game that encourages women to enter STEM fields, and also leads CADChain, and multiple other projects like the Directory of 1,000 Startup Cities with a proprietary MeanCEO Index that ranks cities for female entrepreneurs. Violetta created the “gamepreneurship” methodology, which forms the scientific basis of her startup game. She also builds a lot of SEO tools for startups. Her achievements include being named one of the top 100 women in Europe by EU Startups in 2022 and being nominated for Impact Person of the year at the Dutch Blockchain Week. She is an author with Sifted and a speaker at different Universities. Recently she published a book on Startup Idea Validation the right way: from zero to first customers and beyond, launched a Directory of 1,500+ websites for startups to list themselves in order to gain traction and build backlinks and is building MELA AI to help local restaurants in Malta get more visibility online.
For the past several years Violetta has been living between the Netherlands and Malta, while also regularly traveling to different destinations around the globe, usually due to her entrepreneurial activities. This has led her to start writing about different locations and amenities from the POV of an entrepreneur. Here’s her recent article about the best hotels in Italy to work from.
